ADHD + Marriage = Communication Crisis?

Not If You Use These Proven Strategies

If you’re married to someone with ADHD—or have ADHD yourself—you already know how communication can become one of the biggest battlegrounds in the relationship.

You say something three times… and they forget.
You ask for help… and feel ignored.
You try to explain how you feel… and it turns into a fight.

But here’s the good news: ADHD doesn’t have to doom your conversations. With a better understanding of how ADHD affects communication, and the right tools from ADHD research and relationship science (hello, Gottmans!), you can rebuild connection and avoid the most common pitfalls.

Why ADHD Creates Communication Breakdowns

People with ADHD often struggle with:

• Distractibility – They may seem like they’re not listening (because their brain is somewhere else).
• Interrupting – They speak before thinking, out of excitement or impulse.
• Memory issues – They forget conversations, promises, or emotional details.
• Emotional reactivity – Small conflicts escalate quickly.
• Time blindness – They lose track of when something was said—or if it happened at all.

On the other side, the non-ADHD partner often ends up:

• Repeating themselves
• Nagging or criticizing
• Feeling ignored or dismissed
• Carrying more of the emotional labor

This pattern creates frustration, resentment, and eventually emotional distance.

4 Gottman Traps to Watch Out For (a.k.a. “The Four Horsemen”)

Renowned marriage researchers Drs. John and Julie Gottman identified four key behaviors that predict divorce. Unfortunately, ADHD often contributes to these patterns.

1. Criticism

“You never listen to me.”
“Why can’t you just remember this one thing?”

Instead: Use gentle start-ups. Try: “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need help with…”

2. Defensiveness

“I didn’t do that!”
“You’re always blaming me.”

Instead: Take responsibility—even if it’s partial. Try: “You’re right, I forgot. Let me fix it now.”

3. Contempt

“You’re so lazy.”
“I do everything around here.”

Instead: Build a culture of appreciation. Say thank you—even for small things.

4. Stonewalling

Silent treatment, shutdown, or walking away.

Instead: Take a 20-minute break, then come back and re-engage with calm.

Emotional Bids: The Hidden Secret to Staying Connected

According to the Gottmans, couples stay emotionally close through small daily “bids” for attention, affection, and validation.

Examples of emotional bids:

• “Hey, look at this.”
• “Can we talk?”
• A smile, touch, or shared laugh
• “Do you have a minute?”

In strong marriages, partners turn toward those bids 80–90% of the time.

In ADHD marriages, bids are often missed or misread.

What to do:

• Be intentional about turning toward your partner—put down the phone, look up, and respond.
• Verbalize your bids. ADHD brains don’t always pick up subtle cues. Say what you need clearly.
• Celebrate small successes. “Thanks for listening. That really helped me feel close to you.”

5 ADHD-Specific Communication Fixes That Work

✅ 1. Externalize Memory

Use shared calendars, dry erase boards, voice memos, or smart speakers. Don’t rely on “just remembering.”

✅ 2. Keep It Short and Visual

Long lectures don’t work. Use bullet points, diagrams, or notes. Stick to one idea at a time.

✅ 3. Agree on “Listening Times”

Schedule conversations when both of you can focus—no screens, no multitasking.

✅ 4. Label the ADHD, Not the Person

Say: “This feels like an ADHD moment,” instead of “You never listen.”

✅ 5. Use Humor to Defuse, Not Attack

Laughter is a powerful repair tool. Just make sure it’s playful—not passive-aggressive.

Progress > Perfection

ADHD will still interrupt, distract, or derail a few conversations. That’s okay.

What matters most is that both of you:

• Stay emotionally available
• Practice repair when things go sideways
• Recognize the pattern—and step out of it together

With the right tools and shared intention, communication becomes a place of connection, not conflict.